Break Ups

I've always heard that best friend breakups are worse than relationship breakups.
I'm feeling it.
This is the person I've only spent a few short years with, but the amount of memories with her makes it feel like forever.
The same person who has comforted me while I cried and I for her.
The very same person who has been there for me through thick and thin.
This is what makes a break up with a best friend worse than an actual break up.
She isn't some guy I've texted off and on.
Someone I imagined having kids with.
I haven't dreamed about our wedding.
Most of my best memories are made with her.
I can't just throw our pictures and burn them as I listen to sad music.
I can't just forget about her.
She knows about the lowest points in my life
She knows more about me than I know about myself.
She's my best friend, my sister, my guardian angel on earth, my mom.

Looking into the future, what if this is where it ends?
If this is as far as we were meant to go?
What if our kids don't grow up together, we don't go to each other's graduations, we don't go to each others weddings?
I'd sit and stalk her on any social media she has left, and like from Hercules, watching my baby grow from afar because I can't be there for her anymore.

I don't want to be the 'ex-best friend' or the one you look back on and say 'I wonder what she's up to nowadays'
I want to be your best friend and I want to laugh with you and make fun of the same things and support you and be the best friend I could ever possibly be. I'm sorry I haven't done that, I'm sorry I've focused more on myself and my wellbeing than I have on yours.

I'm sorry I've been a shitty best friend.