Autopilot

Google's definition of autopilot is "a device for keeping an aircraft on a set course without the intervention of the pilot."

I've been in autopilot the past couple days, and sometimes writing helps, other times it doesn't. Maybe this is one of the times it does, but maybe it won't help even a bit. I guess by the end of this we'll know.

According to Google, autopilot keeps the 'aircraft' on a set course. If I'm on autopilot, does that mean I'm on my set course? Because lately it feels like I've been so lost and so confused and like I can't control anything, even before yesterday when this autopilot nonsense started.

It's like no matter what I try, I can't seem to get my goals set, my goals in order. It seems like I need to take a step back and rethink everything. Maybe that's what my body is telling me to do by going into autopilot mode. Maybe I'm being forced to step back, to re consider, to figure out if this is what I want to do or not. Even as I type this, it's like I'm not thinking of what to type, it's just happening, it's like I'm watching a movie. Watching the screen and watching the words show up, but I'm not controlling any of it.

I feel like I'm dreaming, my head is so fogged I can't think straight.

I can sit down and stare at my phone for three seconds but it will feel like hours have passed. I look at people or at the road and I'm immediately confused of who they are and where I am.

I just want to be in control again. Is it a way of telling me that I can't control everything?

Maybe I'm just so stressed and everything is clogging up my head that I don't know what's going on. At times I'll look at myself in the mirror and not recognize myself. I become disoriented and the feeling of trying to figure out who I am, what I am, what life is, and what the purpose is. These are all questions I can't answer, obviously I know who I am and that I'm a human. But I don't know what life is or the purpose.

Maybe once I get back into the flow of things, once school starts, this will all go back to normal.