New Years Eve

New Years Eve without the fireworks, the drunken charades, and the countdown, what is it?
It's a night of half-hearted resolutions, maybe a night of drinking, and perhaps for some, a kiss.
It all boils down to the same thing, hope.
We hope we get into better shape, without taking the necessary steps to complete that task.
We hope to get organized, without improving our organizational skills.
We hope for better days.
We hope to be happy.
That's all it is, isn't it?
Just a bunch of humans counting down another hour, hoping that the next year is different.
Hoping another 365 days will change us as people.
We're just a bunch of hopeful humans now aren't we?

Autopilot

Google's definition of autopilot is "a device for keeping an aircraft on a set course without the intervention of the pilot."

I've been in autopilot the past couple days, and sometimes writing helps, other times it doesn't. Maybe this is one of the times it does, but maybe it won't help even a bit. I guess by the end of this we'll know.

According to Google, autopilot keeps the 'aircraft' on a set course. If I'm on autopilot, does that mean I'm on my set course? Because lately it feels like I've been so lost and so confused and like I can't control anything, even before yesterday when this autopilot nonsense started.

It's like no matter what I try, I can't seem to get my goals set, my goals in order. It seems like I need to take a step back and rethink everything. Maybe that's what my body is telling me to do by going into autopilot mode. Maybe I'm being forced to step back, to re consider, to figure out if this is what I want to do or not. Even as I type this, it's like I'm not thinking of what to type, it's just happening, it's like I'm watching a movie. Watching the screen and watching the words show up, but I'm not controlling any of it.

I feel like I'm dreaming, my head is so fogged I can't think straight.

I can sit down and stare at my phone for three seconds but it will feel like hours have passed. I look at people or at the road and I'm immediately confused of who they are and where I am.

I just want to be in control again. Is it a way of telling me that I can't control everything?

Maybe I'm just so stressed and everything is clogging up my head that I don't know what's going on. At times I'll look at myself in the mirror and not recognize myself. I become disoriented and the feeling of trying to figure out who I am, what I am, what life is, and what the purpose is. These are all questions I can't answer, obviously I know who I am and that I'm a human. But I don't know what life is or the purpose.

Maybe once I get back into the flow of things, once school starts, this will all go back to normal.

 

 

The Most Important Lesson

I hate that I'm short - no matter how much I deny it.
I hate having to wear glasses
I hate my body shape - I wish I could be naturally skinny
I hate my face shape, and the way it breaks out easily.
I've always hated these things.
I've always hated my hair in its natural state. Curly and an uncontrollable mess.
But I love myself.
I love the color of my eyes, and how they change when I'm mad.
I love my hair when it's straight and I love the color.
I love my lips, maybe an odd thing to love.

I've learned to hate little pieces of myself, but not hate myself as a whole. I've learned that I'll have to deal with these things unless I fix them. I've learned that I'm not ugly because of these details. I've learned to love myself despite my flaws - and that's the most important lesson a person could learn.

Too Good to Be True

It was always too good to be true.
I was always told that it wasn't real.
And fuck hope for coming back again, because it's failed me every time before.
You say I'm the only one, that you'd never cheat.
Yet I find heart eyes on her pictures.
I'm the jealous type, I know.
But there's no over exaggeration, and there isn't anything to support your case.
I have screenshots, I have proof.
There's no denying this one.
Take caution when we talk, cause I'm done.

Break Ups

I've always heard that best friend breakups are worse than relationship breakups.
I'm feeling it.
This is the person I've only spent a few short years with, but the amount of memories with her makes it feel like forever.
The same person who has comforted me while I cried and I for her.
The very same person who has been there for me through thick and thin.
This is what makes a break up with a best friend worse than an actual break up.
She isn't some guy I've texted off and on.
Someone I imagined having kids with.
I haven't dreamed about our wedding.
Most of my best memories are made with her.
I can't just throw our pictures and burn them as I listen to sad music.
I can't just forget about her.
She knows about the lowest points in my life
She knows more about me than I know about myself.
She's my best friend, my sister, my guardian angel on earth, my mom.

Looking into the future, what if this is where it ends?
If this is as far as we were meant to go?
What if our kids don't grow up together, we don't go to each other's graduations, we don't go to each others weddings?
I'd sit and stalk her on any social media she has left, and like from Hercules, watching my baby grow from afar because I can't be there for her anymore.

I don't want to be the 'ex-best friend' or the one you look back on and say 'I wonder what she's up to nowadays'
I want to be your best friend and I want to laugh with you and make fun of the same things and support you and be the best friend I could ever possibly be. I'm sorry I haven't done that, I'm sorry I've focused more on myself and my wellbeing than I have on yours.

I'm sorry I've been a shitty best friend.

I'm Sorry

I'm sorry for whatever I guess I did.
I'm sorry that I can't handle the truth sometimes.
Correction: most times.
I'm sorry that I was a disappointment.
I'm sorry your other best friend is so much better than me.
I'm sorry that I can't be there for you.

But I don't know what I did.
All I've been doing is trying, and I don't feel anything in return.
You're distancing yourself, and I'm trying, I really am.
I guess you don't see that.
I'm sorry that you've found someone better.
But we both knew it was going to happen.
You moved away and we both knew that you finding a new best friend was inevitable.
But I don't know what I did to deserve this..

I guess I'm sorry for trying
I'm sorry for believing we could work our friendship out.
I'm sorry.

I wish you the best, and hope a good life for you.
But it looks like this is the end for what was.

I've Been Replaced

I've been replaced

Before you deny it, hear me out.

I'm only here when you have a problem or when you need someone to lash out at.

You've moved to knew cities and are experiencing new things and while I don't  blame you, I just wish I were who I used to be to you.

I've been replaced.
You still call me best friend but yet I have a sinking feeling you don't mean it.

I no longer feel as connected as we used to be.

And I wish things could go back to how they used to be but you've obviously moved on.

I understand, though, I wouldn't stick with me for very long either.
 

I Live in the Past

I live in the past.
I've recognized this, and I admit it.
No matter what I do, I always wish things were how they used to be.
Maybe it's because I'm so scared of what's to come, but I know what already came and went.
Maybe it's because the past always looks so much more appealing.
I'm constantly wishing I could go back in time.
I have so many things I regret.
So many people I miss.
People who are still in my life but our relationships have changed.
They've changed so much.
I've changed so much.
I live in the past.

Five Months

Five months.
Five months as of two days ago.
How did we celebrate?
You ignored me, again.
I don't know if it's commitment issues.
Or the fact that five months is a long time and it scares you.
I don't know if it's the fact that I was up all night the night before with nightmares so I didn't tell you happy five months. And if that's it then I guess I'm sorry.
I don't know if you're just over it, over us, over me.
I guess we all get a bit boring after a while I just didn't think it'd happen so fast with us.
I don't know if you finally decided to snoop on my phone and found something you didn't like, and if that's what it is, I guess I'm sorry.

Do you remember? The first night we talked again? I had so many butterflies, and you said you did too. I couldn't stop smiling. We talked all night into the early morning. You said you missed me and you never really left, you were always there.
I just want that 'us' back. The one with unlimited smiles and laughs and enough happiness from the other person that it spills over.
I was so happy.

Do you remember the first night I came back from vacation? I barely told you that I was in the hotel and you were already calling me.
I wondered the hotel for hours, got lost, and almost got kicked out that night. I would've been on the streets in New Orleans and I was just so happy to be talking to you.

I don't know if you miss it too, or if you just miss being single.
I don't know if you've lost interest in me and you're ready to move on.
I don't know if I've done something to make you angry.
I don't know what happened.
I just want us back.

Things I Wish You'd Listen To

You and I both know the dangers of drinking and drugs.
You and I have both been directly effected by addiction.
You can deny it all you want.
You say you know your limit.
You say you're okay to drive.
We both know you aren't.
I smell the alcohol on your breath.
I watch you buy beer after beer claiming you're still coherent.
If that's so, why can't you form a sentence?
Your reaction speed is reduce by at least 20% when at the legal 0.08 BAC limit.
You cleaned up your own vomit this morning while still half drunk from the night before.
You went to work still drunk.
But, "you work with beer so they won't be able to tell." Everyone can tell.

You have a problem that you won't address.
You know you have a problem.
You have a damn son.

But you continue.
Why?
Why?
Why?

Late Nights

I'm starting to remember why I left the first time.
The nights I was up way past when I wanted to be.
The empty promises
The tears. Oh, god, the tears.
It was all the times your stories didn't add up.
All the girls I saw you with, and they were gorgeous, I wouldn't blame you.
The blaming myself.
The arguments.
I'm starting to remember why I left the first time, and maybe I'm being ridiculous. Maybe I'm looking for a way out because I can't commit to a shirt so how could I commit to a person? Maybe I'm scared and I need reassurance.
Or maybe I'm completely rational. Because a thousand miles strains things.
Especially when we're back tracking now.
I'm starting to remember why I left the first time, and I'm starting to wonder if I want to do it again.
But I think it'll cause more pain than happiness, but I'm too scared to find out.
Because I love you so very much.
But I don't know where this is going...

Maybe

Maybe I'm over exaggerating, and maybe I'm crazy.
But I felt something when your hand brushed mine in the most innocent way.
I felt something that I'd never felt before.
Fireworks.
A rush of happiness.
The heat rushed to my cheeks in a blush
And I couldn't hold back a smile.
Maybe it was never supposed to be you and I
But God I wish it could.

My Favorite Quotes

This is a list of just some of my favorite quotes, mostly from Tumblr, if I can find them, they'll have a link to their tumblr. If they're from the same person I'm only going to link them once. If they are linked wrong, or from a different person, let me know and I'll fix it. :)

1. "I can't shut off, that's my problem. I have a mid that races a million miles a minute, is easily fixated, and considers every little detail with maddening precision. But if my mind is doomed to be occupied by a singular obsession, for the love of god, I am glad it is you."
   ( Beau Taplin // The Over-thinker )
2. "The worst thing about falling to pieces is that humans can do it so quietly."
   ( via hefuckin )
3. "I'm sitting here stuck. It feels like I'm handcuffed to a town no one has ever heard of. And I'm trying to get out. Get out of here. Get out of this feeling. That no matter where I go. I'll never be able to step closer to where I want to be."
   ( via My Ten Word Story )
4. "She sounded like she was about to cry. But then I heard her take a breath. Then she changed the subject. Everyone did that. When something hurt, well, we just changed the subject."
   ( via Quote My Books )
5. "That's what's so damn difficult about making the decision to leave. Whether it's the right or wrong call it hurts just the same."
   ( Beau Taplin // The Wrong Call )
6. "Traveling is like flirting with life. It's like saying, 'I would stay and love you, but I have to go.'"
   ( via alunit )
7. "Love will either make you or destroy you"
   ( via suspend )
8. I don't care if I fall I love with a devil, as long as that devil will love me the way he loves hell."
   ( via infinite-g0ld ) [I couldn't find their tumblr]
9. "I don't pay attention to the world ending. It has ended for me many times, and began again in the morning"
   ( via daughterofgollum )
10. "The meaning of life is just to be alive. It is so plain and so obvious and so simple. And yet, everybody rushes around in a great panic as if it were necessary to achieve something beyond themselves"
    ( Alan Watts )

The Thing About Forever

I often see us together, but not forever.
It's not that I don't want to stay with you forever. because I do.
It's just that I don't know if I can do it.
Because everything to m is temporary.
Which is why changing my hair color or buying a car is so difficult
Because I don't want forever
I want little bursts of forever in a few months.
I want it to feel like forever in just 5 short months, and then be over.
And maybe that'll change with age.
But right now, it's awfully hard to see us together forever

December 7th 2015 - 10:24 PM

I feel like the weight of the world is on my shoulders, and I’m the one who put it there. Nobody else put the responsibility and the stress onto me, I brought it onto myself. I just want to take a break, but I’ve just started and I don’t know how I’ll make it through. It’s like I’m drowning in everything and I can’t breathe and I know everything is only temporary but this temporary looks so permanent right now. I can’t see past it and I feel like I’m going to fail, and if I do fail I’m letting everyone down, because I’m not the only one involved in this. In the back of my head I know that they won’t be let down or disappointed but I’m a perfectionist and I’m setting my mind to this goal and if I don’t achieve this goal I’m going to be left hopeless and confused and not knowing how to recover. I can’t be in that position again. I can’t stay here anymore, this horrid place and judgmental people who don’t understand what I’m saying. I need out. I can’t stay in this town anymore and anyone who knows me knows I’m leaving the first chance I get. I don’t know where I’m going but it’ll be far away from here.

 

When Your Love Runs Out

I just feel so numb, so broken, so confused.

And I keep looking for love in downhill places.

Searching for affection when nobody has any to spare.

I keep reaching out and my limbs are being severed.

There’s not much left of me now.

How much longer till I’m all gone?

 

I Think

I think you forget how your eyes look to people who have seen them for the first time.

How they look like every piece of perfection that’s ever existed wrapped up.

That when people hear the easy tone of your voice they feel right at home

I think after so many years of looking at yourself with pure hatred, I think you forget that for some people you could be just what they’re looking for.

I think you forget that even though you hate yourself, someone else love you.

You’ve forgotten that you are capable of being loved, and that some people actually do love you.

You’ve forgotten that sometimes people can hurt you, but there are so many more that won’t hurt you.

I think you’ve forgotten everything you wanted to make sure you’d remember.