New Years Eve

New Years Eve without the fireworks, the drunken charades, and the countdown, what is it?
It's a night of half-hearted resolutions, maybe a night of drinking, and perhaps for some, a kiss.
It all boils down to the same thing, hope.
We hope we get into better shape, without taking the necessary steps to complete that task.
We hope to get organized, without improving our organizational skills.
We hope for better days.
We hope to be happy.
That's all it is, isn't it?
Just a bunch of humans counting down another hour, hoping that the next year is different.
Hoping another 365 days will change us as people.
We're just a bunch of hopeful humans now aren't we?

Autopilot

Google's definition of autopilot is "a device for keeping an aircraft on a set course without the intervention of the pilot."

I've been in autopilot the past couple days, and sometimes writing helps, other times it doesn't. Maybe this is one of the times it does, but maybe it won't help even a bit. I guess by the end of this we'll know.

According to Google, autopilot keeps the 'aircraft' on a set course. If I'm on autopilot, does that mean I'm on my set course? Because lately it feels like I've been so lost and so confused and like I can't control anything, even before yesterday when this autopilot nonsense started.

It's like no matter what I try, I can't seem to get my goals set, my goals in order. It seems like I need to take a step back and rethink everything. Maybe that's what my body is telling me to do by going into autopilot mode. Maybe I'm being forced to step back, to re consider, to figure out if this is what I want to do or not. Even as I type this, it's like I'm not thinking of what to type, it's just happening, it's like I'm watching a movie. Watching the screen and watching the words show up, but I'm not controlling any of it.

I feel like I'm dreaming, my head is so fogged I can't think straight.

I can sit down and stare at my phone for three seconds but it will feel like hours have passed. I look at people or at the road and I'm immediately confused of who they are and where I am.

I just want to be in control again. Is it a way of telling me that I can't control everything?

Maybe I'm just so stressed and everything is clogging up my head that I don't know what's going on. At times I'll look at myself in the mirror and not recognize myself. I become disoriented and the feeling of trying to figure out who I am, what I am, what life is, and what the purpose is. These are all questions I can't answer, obviously I know who I am and that I'm a human. But I don't know what life is or the purpose.

Maybe once I get back into the flow of things, once school starts, this will all go back to normal.

 

 

The Most Important Lesson

I hate that I'm short - no matter how much I deny it.
I hate having to wear glasses
I hate my body shape - I wish I could be naturally skinny
I hate my face shape, and the way it breaks out easily.
I've always hated these things.
I've always hated my hair in its natural state. Curly and an uncontrollable mess.
But I love myself.
I love the color of my eyes, and how they change when I'm mad.
I love my hair when it's straight and I love the color.
I love my lips, maybe an odd thing to love.

I've learned to hate little pieces of myself, but not hate myself as a whole. I've learned that I'll have to deal with these things unless I fix them. I've learned that I'm not ugly because of these details. I've learned to love myself despite my flaws - and that's the most important lesson a person could learn.

Too Good to Be True

It was always too good to be true.
I was always told that it wasn't real.
And fuck hope for coming back again, because it's failed me every time before.
You say I'm the only one, that you'd never cheat.
Yet I find heart eyes on her pictures.
I'm the jealous type, I know.
But there's no over exaggeration, and there isn't anything to support your case.
I have screenshots, I have proof.
There's no denying this one.
Take caution when we talk, cause I'm done.

Break Ups

I've always heard that best friend breakups are worse than relationship breakups.
I'm feeling it.
This is the person I've only spent a few short years with, but the amount of memories with her makes it feel like forever.
The same person who has comforted me while I cried and I for her.
The very same person who has been there for me through thick and thin.
This is what makes a break up with a best friend worse than an actual break up.
She isn't some guy I've texted off and on.
Someone I imagined having kids with.
I haven't dreamed about our wedding.
Most of my best memories are made with her.
I can't just throw our pictures and burn them as I listen to sad music.
I can't just forget about her.
She knows about the lowest points in my life
She knows more about me than I know about myself.
She's my best friend, my sister, my guardian angel on earth, my mom.

Looking into the future, what if this is where it ends?
If this is as far as we were meant to go?
What if our kids don't grow up together, we don't go to each other's graduations, we don't go to each others weddings?
I'd sit and stalk her on any social media she has left, and like from Hercules, watching my baby grow from afar because I can't be there for her anymore.

I don't want to be the 'ex-best friend' or the one you look back on and say 'I wonder what she's up to nowadays'
I want to be your best friend and I want to laugh with you and make fun of the same things and support you and be the best friend I could ever possibly be. I'm sorry I haven't done that, I'm sorry I've focused more on myself and my wellbeing than I have on yours.

I'm sorry I've been a shitty best friend.

I'm Sorry

I'm sorry for whatever I guess I did.
I'm sorry that I can't handle the truth sometimes.
Correction: most times.
I'm sorry that I was a disappointment.
I'm sorry your other best friend is so much better than me.
I'm sorry that I can't be there for you.

But I don't know what I did.
All I've been doing is trying, and I don't feel anything in return.
You're distancing yourself, and I'm trying, I really am.
I guess you don't see that.
I'm sorry that you've found someone better.
But we both knew it was going to happen.
You moved away and we both knew that you finding a new best friend was inevitable.
But I don't know what I did to deserve this..

I guess I'm sorry for trying
I'm sorry for believing we could work our friendship out.
I'm sorry.

I wish you the best, and hope a good life for you.
But it looks like this is the end for what was.

I've Been Replaced

I've been replaced

Before you deny it, hear me out.

I'm only here when you have a problem or when you need someone to lash out at.

You've moved to knew cities and are experiencing new things and while I don't  blame you, I just wish I were who I used to be to you.

I've been replaced.
You still call me best friend but yet I have a sinking feeling you don't mean it.

I no longer feel as connected as we used to be.

And I wish things could go back to how they used to be but you've obviously moved on.

I understand, though, I wouldn't stick with me for very long either.