Changes!

Hey guys,
I have created an actual website so if any of you guys care to follow me over there you can.
Don't Mind My Thoughts (click the link!)

Basically what I want to do here is not just do sad poetry or whatever you want to call it lol, but also just some life stuff. Just how my life is going, what's happeneing all that kind of stuff. I want to turn it into more of a blog type website than this is.
I'll be transferring all of my writings over there (as far back until 2015) and they'll be on a schedule so every day you'll get one of these that is already published on this blog. So basically for the next however long it takes me, there will be one repost from this website onto that website if that makes sense.
Other than that, I'll be posting randomly throughout the week, maybe eventually I'll come up with a schedule, but as of now I don't quite know what I want to do so for now it's just random.



Well I love you guys and I'll see you at our new spot if you choose to come!
xx Gabi Fishie

Burn

Alcohol tastes better than tears, and it may kill me, but it makes my heart hurt less.

I've always craved the burn in my throat so I wrap herbs in paper and set the gift on fire and I inhale their fumes.

My head becomes light and my thoughts drift, but for once they don't drift to you.

I think of how the universe and the world work and less of how you were my universe 

You'd frown upon my choices now as I pick up my short glass and tip my head back.

Yes it burns, but the burn in my throat is better than the burn in the pit of my stomach when you said you were leaving.

 

Pain with Goodbyes

I hope the pain physically hurts you..
I hope you feel the pain down to your bone.

I hope you never forget my laugh and that it's permanently ingrained in every inch of your brain and I hope once you start doing well that you start hearing it again. So fucking loud that all  the music in the world couldn't drown it out.

I hope you clench your fists when people mention my name so that you remember who you fucked over.

I hope it pains you

I hope walking out that door and turning your back on me pains you, I hope it shook you to your very core. I hope leaving me was the worst mistake of your life, the kind you think about even after you're married with three kids.

I hope it pains you

I hope waking up in the morning and checking your phone for a good morning text from me, but not recieving one kills you.

Because I'm still up with hardly any breath in my lungs because I'm wasting it all screaming your name to the sky, praying to God you hear me. I still cry your name every night because I knew what I lost when you left. I hope you feel the pain of your heart beating inside your head and I hope no pain medication can take it away. I hope our empty promises echo in  your head like they echo in mine

I hope it pains you, like it's pained me every day since you left.

Life After Me

Sometimes I sit and think about your life after me, and I wonder if she's better.
Is she blonde like you always liked?
Does she give you butterflies like you said I did?
What's her favorite color?
Does she smoke like all of your exes?
Does she dress up for you like I did?
I wonder what she does to make you happy, do you wrap your arms around her the way you did with me?
Sometimes I sit and think about your life after me, and I know she's better.
She's prettier and smarter
She makes you laugh harder and smile brighter
I know you're happier with her.
Sometimes I sit and think about your life after me, and I know you're happier
But. God I wish you weren't
I know I always told you I hope the best for your life
But I hope you can't kiss her without tasting my lips
And I hope she has the same favorite perfume as me
So you can always smell me
And I hope you don't have the guts to tell her that you can't stand it because of me.
Then you'd be forced to remember me.
I know I always told you I hope the best for your life, and I do.
Sometimes I sit and think about your life after me, and I wish I wouldn't
Because while you're laying next to her, I'm alone in bed.
Your lips  touch hers while my lips touch the tears falling from my eyes
I fell apart after you left and I wish you had too.
Sometimes I sit and think about your life after me, but it hurts.

Drunk

And I like to think if I were drunk in a room of everyone I've ever loved, that I would still fall into your arms. That even though I can't see nor walk straight, somehow I'd stumble into your arms and you'd carry me home. But life doesn't work that way and I fuck myself over. So maybe if I was in a room of everyone I've ever loved, maybe I wouldn't go to you. Maybe I'd go to the asshole who ignored me for a week before dumping me for another girl. Maybe it'd be the guy who was sent to prison, We settle for the love we think we deserve and maybe that's why I wouldn't end up in your arms if I were drunk in a room of everyone I've ever loved.

T r u s t I s s u e s

Dating someone with trust issues is like walking on broken glass expecting not to get cut.
It's watching what you say so you don't make the other person unhappy.
It's not being sure if you're being too open or not open enough.
It's hard and it's tedious.
Loving someone with trust issues means looking out for their interest before your own.
It's looking at yourself and making sure you are enough to take care of them.
Loving someone with trust issues puts you in positions you've never been in.
Dating someone with trust issues is like walking on broken glass expecting not to get cut
Leaving someone with trust issues is like not cleaning up the blood afterwards.

A w a k e

It's 2:08 and I'm still awake
Your messages aren't going through
My heart is beating
Where are you?
I don't need constant attention
But not knowing is tearing me apart
I just want to know if you're okay
It's 2:10 now and I'm still awake
Your messages aren't going through
My heart is beating
I love you...

W a n d e r l u s t

wan·der·lust

ˈwändərˌləst/

noun

1. a strong desire to travel.

   "a man consumed by wanderlust"

You ask me why I don't want to be here, why I wake up and I leave to go sit and stare at different four walls and you yell about why you don't understand why I don't want to spend time with you and you yell about why I'm gone from the moment I wake up until after everyone is in bed and why I can't come home sooner. 

And all I can do is yell back about how I woke up every day for three months and I sat here and I was here all day until I went to bed and then I get up and I was here all day until I went to bed and I did that every day for three months and so when I'm finally able to get out of the house and I can actually go do something you're mad that I take advantage of it. 

Waking up and I face the same four walls, then if I do leave to maybe go to the store, I'm still in the same four corners of a small town. 

I just wanted to travel and if that meant I traveled across town to a different four walls then I will.

I just wanted a change.

Just Thoughts, I Guess

Sometimes I have to immediately write about something, and other times I like to sit and wait until I feel like I’ve gathered all of my thoughts. But sometimes, like tonight, it’s in the middle. Because while I’m not immediately writing about something, I also haven’t sat and gathered my thoughts. Because on nights like these, there is no gathering your thoughts.

The genuine smile of someone you love is the best smile you could ever see and I don’t know if I’ll ever be experience anything more heartwarming than that or seeing pure joy in someone’s face.

And Lord I hope he’s the one, but if he’s not I pray that I can still somehow hear his laugh every day of my life because it’s one of the most miraculous things I’ve heard. It’s crazy how one night with one person can change your entire life and all I want is to make his life better. Maybe I just sound like a teenager who’s found a boy she likes, but I can’t explain the pure happiness he gives me. In the simplest and most easily understood form of happiness, that’s what I am. He’s all to thank.

S e p t e m b e r , n i n e , t w e n t y s i x t e e n - t e n : t w e n t y s i x

I hope there is no end to you and I, but if one day our road forks and we are forced our separate ways, I hope you don’t look it negatively. I hope you recognize the things we taught each other and I hope you see what we did with our lives and our time together. I hope you forget any fights we had and I hope you remember all of our good memories. I hope you remember riding your bike to my house at two in the morning for drunk conversation and the taste of liquor on my lips. I hope you remember laying in your bed whispering ‘I love you’ before you drifted off to sleep. I hope you remember that stupid damn fly that wouldn’t leave us alone in your room every time we started drifting off to sleep. I hope you remember how much I love you, and I hope you remember that I love everything about you. I hope you never forget me

Addiction pt II

My heart has never hurt the way it did that night.

I have never felt my heart fall apart and crumble like I did that night.

The night I learned that yet again, addiction had taken over a loved one. Addiction of chemicals rigged into a form that will make you feel on top of the world. Chemicals disguised as euphoria and hope when all it delivers is pain and sadness. Addiction is not tumblr girls poking needles in their arms with euphoria in their eyes. Its desperation, and destruction. It’s tangled and ratted hair, dirty needles and back allies. Addiction is torn apart families, and never friends just junkie acquaintances. Addiction will never be something for magazine covers, it’s hidden away like porno in the back closet. Addiction is hearts torn apart and punched holes in drywall. Addiction will never be glamorous. Addiction will always be inexplicably painful.

Routine

You warned me not to get attached, but it's nearly impossible to when it's someone like you.
So now what do we do? You seem to ask this nightly, and it's fit into our routine right amongst the 'goodnight's and the 'sleep well's. The answer is always the same, after a long discussion, we always come to the same conclusion. It ends in tears and a rude awakening, which we forget about and continue loving each other the next morning.
But I know everyone has a time allotment in all of our lives, some are forever, some are for just a little while, and after these six months I begin to wonder if my time is up.
While I wonder if it's time for me to leave, I also cant bear the thought of departure because you've fit into my routine just like breakfast or brushing my teeth. It's something I have to do, you're becoming an addiction and all I want is your high.

Crazy

It's crazy.
I see your face on your Facebook, your mom's Facebook, your grandma's Facebook. I'm friends with them all. And everytime I see your face I don't get jealous, I don't get butterflies, I don't feel anything. Yet a video of you talking is posted and my stomach gets queasy, I can feel the butterflies errupting in my tummy and I'm taken back to that day when I got off the plane and you called me immediatly after I texted you 'I landed'
It's crazy
How things change so quickly yet it can take months or even years to get over it. It's been five months, and I've moved on, but don't get me wrong I still think about you. I'm dreading the day of our birthdays because I feel obligated to send you a message, yet I don't think we're like that anymore.
It's crazy.
How just a few months ago we were talking about after college, yet you dumped me the week later. It blows my mind how fast things can change and how quickly life goes by and how much joy one person can give you.
It's a crazy world and a crazy life and I'm glad I spent 6 months with your crazy ass, but it's crazy.

Boundries

I love sports.
I love working out.
I love testing my boundaries.
I love pushing myself to the limit, to the point where I want to cry. Pushing myself to the point where I feel like I  could just roll over and give it all up.
To the point of wanting to give up.
So maybe that's what I saw in you.
Maybe it was the thought of just pushing myself outside my comfort zone just a bit farther.
Maybe it was knowing this could bend and break me.
Knowing that at any point I would want to roll over and give up.
But I never gave up.
I pushed myself and I gave it my all,I lost sleep over it, I just wanted it to end, I cried over and over again wishing you would do the same.
Wishing that you would push yourself to the extremes like I had, I wanted you to do that for me.
Maybe that's what I'm waiting for, maybe I'm waiting for someone to push themselves like I push myself.
Someone who can stand by me and push me to do better and to be better.
And I guess you weren't the one for that
If you were, you'd still be beside me.

To the Athlete Ready to Give it All Up

Remember that little girl who first picked up the ball and never wanted to put it down.
The girl who worked for hours upon hours on grounding a ball so she could finally play in the infield or become a starting pitcher.
Play for her.
Play for the girl who was the number one pitcher in little league.
Play for the girl who's known every position like the back of her hand before she had even played ever position.
If you ever want to quit, remember why you started.
Remember the game that meant the world at the time, the two inning overtime and international tiebreaker.
Remember the chills you get when the game is too close for errors.'Remember that feeling when you finally became that starting pitcher.
Remember the game changing plays.
Remember the first time you were in the outfield coming off the injury, how you closed your eyes and jumped, the ball landed in your glove like it was always meant to be there.
Remember that, because if you quit now, you'll look back and wish you hadn't.

A Letter From A Girl Still in Love with You

It's been 76 days and I still think about you, a lot. Don't get me wrong, you taught me a lot. You taught me that I can't love anyone before I love myself. You taught me that I can't love someone so far away from me because it'll only end in heartbreak.
It's been 76 days and there have been guys, but I compare them all to you, and not in a good way. I thought it would be hard to move on from you, and yeah I guess it was, but I sure did get over you quick. I think that's how I knew it wasn't love. I got over you too quick.
It's been 76 days and I think I'm falling for another, but is it too soon? I'm still scared of hurting you.
It's been 76 days and I still want your approval.
It's been 76 days and I don't know what to do with myself. I'm stuck in a trance going day by day, just going through the motions.
I was happy with you, I've never been so happy
But I can't tell anyone that, they don't understand, they thought it was dumb, that it was silly.
They thought I was dumb, that I was making a big mistake.
I guess I was.
I know I shouldn't go back, but I want to. Everything made sense with you, nothing makes sense anymore. You said we'd still be friends even after we broke up, but I should've known better. I miss you, and I just want to hear you say it back, I crave hearing your voice and hearing you whisper those three words to me as I fell asleep. Do you remember the time we fell asleep on the phone together? I never felt so close to you. I should've known better, it was too good to be true.

It Can Drive You Mad

Love.
It can be the best thing and the most cruel thing in the world.
It can give you life, but also tear you down.
It is beautiful and dark.
It can make you sick, and make you hate yourself, but it can also give you the most amazing feelings.
Love makes you face things you wouldn't otherwise.
It can give you challenges that you didn't have before.
Love will change you and leave a mark on you.
It won't ever let you forget it.
Love, oh darling, it can drive you mad.

I Don't Want Perfect

I want to know I'm cared for and I want cute pictures. I want adventures and I want lazy nights. I want to know I can go to you and I want you to be able to can come to me. I want to be your ride or die, the one you call when you want to go get Dairy Queen at 2 AM. I want your drunk calls and texts. 

I like surprises. 

I like hand holding 

I want you. I want you drunk. I want you happy. I want you sad. 

I want every part of you. 

But you don't want me 

Darkness

And when you entered my life, the darkness left. 

It was as if you were the only light able to drive out the darkness that lived inside me.

And once you leave, the darkness will come back, because when love leaves, something has to fill that hole

Darkness

Cheating

Cheating isn't just letting your mind wander, it's not just letting your hands wander either.
Cheating is giving yourself to another person, knowing well enough that you're going to hurt the one person that is dedicating themselves to you.
It's telling them they're never going to be good enough.
It's reminding them every time they've had just a bit too much to drink
It's looking for happiness at the bottom of every bottle.
It's asking themselves why over and over again whenever they hear your name.
It's lonely nights
It's broken promises
It's too many drinks and too many bong rips
It's forgetting who you are.
It's forgetting what you were
It's damaging
and life destroying
and trust crushing
It's not worth it.

Untitled Rant

It seems like no matter what I do, or how hard I try, everything ends wrong.

And I remind myself that graduation is in 4 months, and I remind myself that it'll be over soon, but I'm stuck in the now

It's like whenever I meet someone new, and I get close to them, they leave.

They see my flaws, realize I'm not perfect and they give up.

They get tired of me not wanting to leave my room

They get tired of my random rants

They get tired of hearing me complain

They get tired of me.

I just want someone to stick around

L o v e

People fall in love for all sorts of reasons.
A lot of times those reason are also the reasons they fell out of love.
Which is why I tell you I don't care if you leave, because if I tell you that enough, maybe I'll believe it myself.
My once cute stubbornness will become immaturity and not being able to compromise.
The fact that I cuss too much was funny, and will soon become ridiculous and unnecessary.
It's why love scares me.
If you ask me what I'm most scared of, I'll answer love.
Love is unpredictable and unprecedented.
It doesn't know what it's doing or where it's going.
It doesn't know when it's coming or when it's leaving.
And you can't predict the future.
So for now, we fall in love like it's not a big deal, but one day our partners will look at us, and realize the mistake they've made.
Because that's what love is.
It doesn't know how to control it's arrival and departure.
And you can't control it either.
Love is uncontrollable, untameable and uncageable.
So I'm sorry if I worry too much.
I've seen long time marriages end over the same reasons they began.
I've watched my boyfriend leave for someone who was clearly better.
So I'm sorry if love is the most terrifying thing in the world, but it's not very inviting.

It's Been Ten Days

Do you miss me?
Does it hurt?
I wish I could text you and just ask you.
Maybe in a couple of months I will.
When all is said and done.
I want to know if she's worth it, I bet she is.
I was never any competition, anyway.
Do you miss me even a little?
Does it hurt to think about me?
Did you immediately delete my pictures?
I still have yours.
I haven't brought myself to be able to delete your pictures or block you on social media.
Everyone says to just get over you,
but I don't think they know how hard it is to get over something that was your world.

-I hope she treats you well, you deserve it.

I'm Just A Hopeful Human, Now Aren't I?

I wish I got you hooked on TV shows so you could never watch them without thinking about me.
I wish we got to travel together, and kiss in places you'd remember, so you'd never be able to go to that place without thinking of me.
I wish we had a song, so you only thought about me when it was on.
If we had a song, I hope it'd be the song that played when you've run out of Spotify skips so you'd have to listen to it.
I wish I gave you things to remember me by
I wish I gave you the time of day
Maybe if I would've given you more memories you would've stayed.
I wish I could've seen you on our wedding day.
I wish I could've graduated high school and college with you.
I wish I may, I wish I might be the one you think of tonight.

I Want

I just want to talk to you all night and all day.

I want to find where we went wrong and fix it

I want to know how I can make you happy again

I know you weren't happy when we last talked

It just amazes me how fast you can drop someone you previously said you loved.

I just want to be your one and only again

I want to talk to you all the time

Talk about our future

Our dreams

Our goals

I want closure, I don't feel it right now

I want to know why 

I want to know if you've been thinking about this for a while

I want to know if it hurts

Because Lord knows I'm hurting

I'm sorry...

S i s t e r s

Do you remember?
Do you remember that picture I drew you when I was little?
It was stick figures, one had black hair, one had brown. I was planning on making you a book of pictures I drew, but I never did because you found that picture before I could finish the others.
It said "Sisters are forever"
It was that picture, you said, that made you want to be better.
It was that picture, that made you ditch the toxins.
It was that picture.

Do you remember?
Do you remember you calling me telling me about what had been going on the first time?
You were pissed. Gosh, you were so mad.
You said you hated what he's been doing, that he doesn't deserve to be around the kids.
You were right.

Do you remember?
Do you remember the time you said you'd pick me up a week before Christmas, we were going to look at Christmas lights.
You never came.
It broke my heart.

Sisters are forever, though.

2 0 1 6

The steps to being happy, I believe, first start with being happy and content with yourself. Without being happy with yourself and where you are, how will you create positivity around you? You won't. I believe that everything happens for a reason, and what makes you sad now, will ultimately be for the good.
In 2016, I had one big goal, not resolution, a goal. People, including myself, tend to not stick to resolutions. Instead, I set a theme. My main theme this year or my main goal was to be happy. And in my list of how to accomplish this, it starts with being happy with myself, and while I'm in the process of doing that, I'm not quite there. The next step was to surround myself with positivity. All around positivity, I want to remove the negative elements from my life and replace them with things or people who make me happy, just genuinely happy. I'm on my way there.
I believe there are certain relationships that have been negatively effecting my life, and I'm slowly ridding myself of them. I'm on my way to progressing myself in ways I never thought I'd be able to and maybe that's just me growing up and getting older. Or maybe it's me deciding what's real in life and what's important. I think it's me finding out who's really there for me and who doesn't need to be here. I'm a firm believer in the saying that says that some people are here for a reason, I believe that some people do come into our lives just to provide us with some type of improvement. Weather that improvement be within ourselves, such as realizing the type of habits we don't want to form, or the type of person we don't want to be. Or it might be just realizing the type of things that we do and don't want in our lives.
I'm getting one step closer to my happiness.

Shaking

The kind of mad when your whole body is shaking.
Tears are streaming down your face.
The kind where all you want to do is scream.
Where you can't tell if you're mad or sad anymore
The kind where you feel sick to your stomach
The kind of mad that makes you hate everything.
The kind of mad that leaves you without explanation.
That's what I felt.
And I hope you're happy with her, cause she sounds so much better than me.
I hope you're happy with someone who took someone's boyfriend.
When she does it to you, I hope you realize your mistake.
I hope she makes you fall in love and then breaks your heart.
I hope you're as crushed as I am.
I hope she leaves you on the floor not knowing what life is anymore without her.
Cause that's how I'm feeling.
You were my everything.
And she took you.
But whatever, some things only last for a little while right?

C o n f e t t i

Confetti is in the air.
Drinks all around.
Kisses shared between lovers
Kisses shared between lonely strangers.
New Years Eve.

That's how it's supposed to be right?
New year, new beginnings, they say.
But what if, 14 minutes into the New Year, you've already shed tears?
What if, 14 minutes in, you think that maybe you're not cut out for 2016.