W a n d e r l u s t

wan·der·lust

ˈwändərˌləst/

noun

1. a strong desire to travel.

   "a man consumed by wanderlust"

You ask me why I don't want to be here, why I wake up and I leave to go sit and stare at different four walls and you yell about why you don't understand why I don't want to spend time with you and you yell about why I'm gone from the moment I wake up until after everyone is in bed and why I can't come home sooner. 

And all I can do is yell back about how I woke up every day for three months and I sat here and I was here all day until I went to bed and then I get up and I was here all day until I went to bed and I did that every day for three months and so when I'm finally able to get out of the house and I can actually go do something you're mad that I take advantage of it. 

Waking up and I face the same four walls, then if I do leave to maybe go to the store, I'm still in the same four corners of a small town. 

I just wanted to travel and if that meant I traveled across town to a different four walls then I will.

I just wanted a change.

Just Thoughts, I Guess

Sometimes I have to immediately write about something, and other times I like to sit and wait until I feel like I’ve gathered all of my thoughts. But sometimes, like tonight, it’s in the middle. Because while I’m not immediately writing about something, I also haven’t sat and gathered my thoughts. Because on nights like these, there is no gathering your thoughts.

The genuine smile of someone you love is the best smile you could ever see and I don’t know if I’ll ever be experience anything more heartwarming than that or seeing pure joy in someone’s face.

And Lord I hope he’s the one, but if he’s not I pray that I can still somehow hear his laugh every day of my life because it’s one of the most miraculous things I’ve heard. It’s crazy how one night with one person can change your entire life and all I want is to make his life better. Maybe I just sound like a teenager who’s found a boy she likes, but I can’t explain the pure happiness he gives me. In the simplest and most easily understood form of happiness, that’s what I am. He’s all to thank.

S e p t e m b e r , n i n e , t w e n t y s i x t e e n - t e n : t w e n t y s i x

I hope there is no end to you and I, but if one day our road forks and we are forced our separate ways, I hope you don’t look it negatively. I hope you recognize the things we taught each other and I hope you see what we did with our lives and our time together. I hope you forget any fights we had and I hope you remember all of our good memories. I hope you remember riding your bike to my house at two in the morning for drunk conversation and the taste of liquor on my lips. I hope you remember laying in your bed whispering ‘I love you’ before you drifted off to sleep. I hope you remember that stupid damn fly that wouldn’t leave us alone in your room every time we started drifting off to sleep. I hope you remember how much I love you, and I hope you remember that I love everything about you. I hope you never forget me

Addiction pt II

My heart has never hurt the way it did that night.

I have never felt my heart fall apart and crumble like I did that night.

The night I learned that yet again, addiction had taken over a loved one. Addiction of chemicals rigged into a form that will make you feel on top of the world. Chemicals disguised as euphoria and hope when all it delivers is pain and sadness. Addiction is not tumblr girls poking needles in their arms with euphoria in their eyes. Its desperation, and destruction. It’s tangled and ratted hair, dirty needles and back allies. Addiction is torn apart families, and never friends just junkie acquaintances. Addiction will never be something for magazine covers, it’s hidden away like porno in the back closet. Addiction is hearts torn apart and punched holes in drywall. Addiction will never be glamorous. Addiction will always be inexplicably painful.

Routine

You warned me not to get attached, but it's nearly impossible to when it's someone like you.
So now what do we do? You seem to ask this nightly, and it's fit into our routine right amongst the 'goodnight's and the 'sleep well's. The answer is always the same, after a long discussion, we always come to the same conclusion. It ends in tears and a rude awakening, which we forget about and continue loving each other the next morning.
But I know everyone has a time allotment in all of our lives, some are forever, some are for just a little while, and after these six months I begin to wonder if my time is up.
While I wonder if it's time for me to leave, I also cant bear the thought of departure because you've fit into my routine just like breakfast or brushing my teeth. It's something I have to do, you're becoming an addiction and all I want is your high.

Crazy

It's crazy.
I see your face on your Facebook, your mom's Facebook, your grandma's Facebook. I'm friends with them all. And everytime I see your face I don't get jealous, I don't get butterflies, I don't feel anything. Yet a video of you talking is posted and my stomach gets queasy, I can feel the butterflies errupting in my tummy and I'm taken back to that day when I got off the plane and you called me immediatly after I texted you 'I landed'
It's crazy
How things change so quickly yet it can take months or even years to get over it. It's been five months, and I've moved on, but don't get me wrong I still think about you. I'm dreading the day of our birthdays because I feel obligated to send you a message, yet I don't think we're like that anymore.
It's crazy.
How just a few months ago we were talking about after college, yet you dumped me the week later. It blows my mind how fast things can change and how quickly life goes by and how much joy one person can give you.
It's a crazy world and a crazy life and I'm glad I spent 6 months with your crazy ass, but it's crazy.

Boundries

I love sports.
I love working out.
I love testing my boundaries.
I love pushing myself to the limit, to the point where I want to cry. Pushing myself to the point where I feel like I  could just roll over and give it all up.
To the point of wanting to give up.
So maybe that's what I saw in you.
Maybe it was the thought of just pushing myself outside my comfort zone just a bit farther.
Maybe it was knowing this could bend and break me.
Knowing that at any point I would want to roll over and give up.
But I never gave up.
I pushed myself and I gave it my all,I lost sleep over it, I just wanted it to end, I cried over and over again wishing you would do the same.
Wishing that you would push yourself to the extremes like I had, I wanted you to do that for me.
Maybe that's what I'm waiting for, maybe I'm waiting for someone to push themselves like I push myself.
Someone who can stand by me and push me to do better and to be better.
And I guess you weren't the one for that
If you were, you'd still be beside me.