A Letter From A Girl Still in Love with You

It's been 76 days and I still think about you, a lot. Don't get me wrong, you taught me a lot. You taught me that I can't love anyone before I love myself. You taught me that I can't love someone so far away from me because it'll only end in heartbreak.
It's been 76 days and there have been guys, but I compare them all to you, and not in a good way. I thought it would be hard to move on from you, and yeah I guess it was, but I sure did get over you quick. I think that's how I knew it wasn't love. I got over you too quick.
It's been 76 days and I think I'm falling for another, but is it too soon? I'm still scared of hurting you.
It's been 76 days and I still want your approval.
It's been 76 days and I don't know what to do with myself. I'm stuck in a trance going day by day, just going through the motions.
I was happy with you, I've never been so happy
But I can't tell anyone that, they don't understand, they thought it was dumb, that it was silly.
They thought I was dumb, that I was making a big mistake.
I guess I was.
I know I shouldn't go back, but I want to. Everything made sense with you, nothing makes sense anymore. You said we'd still be friends even after we broke up, but I should've known better. I miss you, and I just want to hear you say it back, I crave hearing your voice and hearing you whisper those three words to me as I fell asleep. Do you remember the time we fell asleep on the phone together? I never felt so close to you. I should've known better, it was too good to be true.

It Can Drive You Mad

Love.
It can be the best thing and the most cruel thing in the world.
It can give you life, but also tear you down.
It is beautiful and dark.
It can make you sick, and make you hate yourself, but it can also give you the most amazing feelings.
Love makes you face things you wouldn't otherwise.
It can give you challenges that you didn't have before.
Love will change you and leave a mark on you.
It won't ever let you forget it.
Love, oh darling, it can drive you mad.

I Don't Want Perfect

I want to know I'm cared for and I want cute pictures. I want adventures and I want lazy nights. I want to know I can go to you and I want you to be able to can come to me. I want to be your ride or die, the one you call when you want to go get Dairy Queen at 2 AM. I want your drunk calls and texts. 

I like surprises. 

I like hand holding 

I want you. I want you drunk. I want you happy. I want you sad. 

I want every part of you. 

But you don't want me 

Darkness

And when you entered my life, the darkness left. 

It was as if you were the only light able to drive out the darkness that lived inside me.

And once you leave, the darkness will come back, because when love leaves, something has to fill that hole

Darkness

Cheating

Cheating isn't just letting your mind wander, it's not just letting your hands wander either.
Cheating is giving yourself to another person, knowing well enough that you're going to hurt the one person that is dedicating themselves to you.
It's telling them they're never going to be good enough.
It's reminding them every time they've had just a bit too much to drink
It's looking for happiness at the bottom of every bottle.
It's asking themselves why over and over again whenever they hear your name.
It's lonely nights
It's broken promises
It's too many drinks and too many bong rips
It's forgetting who you are.
It's forgetting what you were
It's damaging
and life destroying
and trust crushing
It's not worth it.

Untitled Rant

It seems like no matter what I do, or how hard I try, everything ends wrong.

And I remind myself that graduation is in 4 months, and I remind myself that it'll be over soon, but I'm stuck in the now

It's like whenever I meet someone new, and I get close to them, they leave.

They see my flaws, realize I'm not perfect and they give up.

They get tired of me not wanting to leave my room

They get tired of my random rants

They get tired of hearing me complain

They get tired of me.

I just want someone to stick around

L o v e

People fall in love for all sorts of reasons.
A lot of times those reason are also the reasons they fell out of love.
Which is why I tell you I don't care if you leave, because if I tell you that enough, maybe I'll believe it myself.
My once cute stubbornness will become immaturity and not being able to compromise.
The fact that I cuss too much was funny, and will soon become ridiculous and unnecessary.
It's why love scares me.
If you ask me what I'm most scared of, I'll answer love.
Love is unpredictable and unprecedented.
It doesn't know what it's doing or where it's going.
It doesn't know when it's coming or when it's leaving.
And you can't predict the future.
So for now, we fall in love like it's not a big deal, but one day our partners will look at us, and realize the mistake they've made.
Because that's what love is.
It doesn't know how to control it's arrival and departure.
And you can't control it either.
Love is uncontrollable, untameable and uncageable.
So I'm sorry if I worry too much.
I've seen long time marriages end over the same reasons they began.
I've watched my boyfriend leave for someone who was clearly better.
So I'm sorry if love is the most terrifying thing in the world, but it's not very inviting.