Pain with Goodbyes

I hope the pain physically hurts you..
I hope you feel the pain down to your bone.

I hope you never forget my laugh and that it's permanently ingrained in every inch of your brain and I hope once you start doing well that you start hearing it again. So fucking loud that all  the music in the world couldn't drown it out.

I hope you clench your fists when people mention my name so that you remember who you fucked over.

I hope it pains you

I hope walking out that door and turning your back on me pains you, I hope it shook you to your very core. I hope leaving me was the worst mistake of your life, the kind you think about even after you're married with three kids.

I hope it pains you

I hope waking up in the morning and checking your phone for a good morning text from me, but not recieving one kills you.

Because I'm still up with hardly any breath in my lungs because I'm wasting it all screaming your name to the sky, praying to God you hear me. I still cry your name every night because I knew what I lost when you left. I hope you feel the pain of your heart beating inside your head and I hope no pain medication can take it away. I hope our empty promises echo in  your head like they echo in mine

I hope it pains you, like it's pained me every day since you left.

Life After Me

Sometimes I sit and think about your life after me, and I wonder if she's better.
Is she blonde like you always liked?
Does she give you butterflies like you said I did?
What's her favorite color?
Does she smoke like all of your exes?
Does she dress up for you like I did?
I wonder what she does to make you happy, do you wrap your arms around her the way you did with me?
Sometimes I sit and think about your life after me, and I know she's better.
She's prettier and smarter
She makes you laugh harder and smile brighter
I know you're happier with her.
Sometimes I sit and think about your life after me, and I know you're happier
But. God I wish you weren't
I know I always told you I hope the best for your life
But I hope you can't kiss her without tasting my lips
And I hope she has the same favorite perfume as me
So you can always smell me
And I hope you don't have the guts to tell her that you can't stand it because of me.
Then you'd be forced to remember me.
I know I always told you I hope the best for your life, and I do.
Sometimes I sit and think about your life after me, and I wish I wouldn't
Because while you're laying next to her, I'm alone in bed.
Your lips  touch hers while my lips touch the tears falling from my eyes
I fell apart after you left and I wish you had too.
Sometimes I sit and think about your life after me, but it hurts.

Drunk

And I like to think if I were drunk in a room of everyone I've ever loved, that I would still fall into your arms. That even though I can't see nor walk straight, somehow I'd stumble into your arms and you'd carry me home. But life doesn't work that way and I fuck myself over. So maybe if I was in a room of everyone I've ever loved, maybe I wouldn't go to you. Maybe I'd go to the asshole who ignored me for a week before dumping me for another girl. Maybe it'd be the guy who was sent to prison, We settle for the love we think we deserve and maybe that's why I wouldn't end up in your arms if I were drunk in a room of everyone I've ever loved.

T r u s t I s s u e s

Dating someone with trust issues is like walking on broken glass expecting not to get cut.
It's watching what you say so you don't make the other person unhappy.
It's not being sure if you're being too open or not open enough.
It's hard and it's tedious.
Loving someone with trust issues means looking out for their interest before your own.
It's looking at yourself and making sure you are enough to take care of them.
Loving someone with trust issues puts you in positions you've never been in.
Dating someone with trust issues is like walking on broken glass expecting not to get cut
Leaving someone with trust issues is like not cleaning up the blood afterwards.

A w a k e

It's 2:08 and I'm still awake
Your messages aren't going through
My heart is beating
Where are you?
I don't need constant attention
But not knowing is tearing me apart
I just want to know if you're okay
It's 2:10 now and I'm still awake
Your messages aren't going through
My heart is beating
I love you...

W a n d e r l u s t

wan·der·lust

ˈwändərˌləst/

noun

1. a strong desire to travel.

   "a man consumed by wanderlust"

You ask me why I don't want to be here, why I wake up and I leave to go sit and stare at different four walls and you yell about why you don't understand why I don't want to spend time with you and you yell about why I'm gone from the moment I wake up until after everyone is in bed and why I can't come home sooner. 

And all I can do is yell back about how I woke up every day for three months and I sat here and I was here all day until I went to bed and then I get up and I was here all day until I went to bed and I did that every day for three months and so when I'm finally able to get out of the house and I can actually go do something you're mad that I take advantage of it. 

Waking up and I face the same four walls, then if I do leave to maybe go to the store, I'm still in the same four corners of a small town. 

I just wanted to travel and if that meant I traveled across town to a different four walls then I will.

I just wanted a change.

Just Thoughts, I Guess

Sometimes I have to immediately write about something, and other times I like to sit and wait until I feel like I’ve gathered all of my thoughts. But sometimes, like tonight, it’s in the middle. Because while I’m not immediately writing about something, I also haven’t sat and gathered my thoughts. Because on nights like these, there is no gathering your thoughts.

The genuine smile of someone you love is the best smile you could ever see and I don’t know if I’ll ever be experience anything more heartwarming than that or seeing pure joy in someone’s face.

And Lord I hope he’s the one, but if he’s not I pray that I can still somehow hear his laugh every day of my life because it’s one of the most miraculous things I’ve heard. It’s crazy how one night with one person can change your entire life and all I want is to make his life better. Maybe I just sound like a teenager who’s found a boy she likes, but I can’t explain the pure happiness he gives me. In the simplest and most easily understood form of happiness, that’s what I am. He’s all to thank.

S e p t e m b e r , n i n e , t w e n t y s i x t e e n - t e n : t w e n t y s i x

I hope there is no end to you and I, but if one day our road forks and we are forced our separate ways, I hope you don’t look it negatively. I hope you recognize the things we taught each other and I hope you see what we did with our lives and our time together. I hope you forget any fights we had and I hope you remember all of our good memories. I hope you remember riding your bike to my house at two in the morning for drunk conversation and the taste of liquor on my lips. I hope you remember laying in your bed whispering ‘I love you’ before you drifted off to sleep. I hope you remember that stupid damn fly that wouldn’t leave us alone in your room every time we started drifting off to sleep. I hope you remember how much I love you, and I hope you remember that I love everything about you. I hope you never forget me